This is mostly for me. Fuck it if anyone else reads it.


"Pain is what keeps you coming back for more. It's like sometimes when you're just walking down the street, and you trip? That sudden jolt of reality is all you need to snap you back to life. Well with me, I would live all day in a daze, and one swipe of the razor, and I was alive again."

"Anyone who says they don't feel pain is either lying, or really numb. Of course I feel pain. It's the body's natural reaction to let me know that I'm in danger, and to move away, or stop doing what I'm doing. That's probably why I continue."

"Not pain, no. Not the same as pain that is not self-imposed. I think I'd use the word satisfaction more than pain. I don't want to die, I know that."

"Sometimes it hurts, but it's a good hurt. Sometimes I don't feel anything; I just see the blood and see myself doing it. It's almost like an out of body experience."

"I enjoy it. It's a stinging pain, not harsh, that let more blood than I expected. It's very soothing; it calmed me when I was going hysterical. It took my emotions and made them concrete -- something that I could physically drain from my body."

"I feel pain, but it's minimal. It doesn't bother me at all, I guess I kind of like it, but not like I get off on it. I feel like it just comes with the territory, I suppose to the extent that I need the pain (such as it is) as part of the SI ritual--if it didn't hurt at least some I wouldn't do it."

"I don't always know why I self-injure. Sometimes it's used as a distraction from the pain or anxiety I'm feeling. Sometimes I use it as a way of saying with my body what I can't say with words. At times there are no words for what is going on inside me. Other times I use self-injury as a way of releasing the anxiety and panic I am feeling. And sometimes I use it as a way of punishing myself for whatever it is at that moment for which I feel I need to be punished."

"I cannot adequately describe in words my emotional state prior to a cutting. The feelings are overwhelming--usually severe feelings of rejection, self-hatred or anger. Cutting presents a way to make the pain show (and be felt) on the outside where I can deal with it. I think it also might give me a diversion from what I am feeling on the inside since by cutting, I feel like I am accomplishing something while I am in a situation that I (usually) have little control over. While I am engaging in SI behavior, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is very wrong and sick, yet, I am so distraught, that I don't care. The urge to cut is very strong and with each slash, I feel a sense of relief. I feel very little pain during the cutting, but I do feel some, and I feel better after experiencing it--like I have been rightfully punished for something and life can continue anew. After I have cut myself, I am very ashamed, but I am much less upset emotionally. I associate this kind of behavior with people who are locked away in padded cells, and so it puzzles me that I should engage in it. At the same time, the wounds usually hurt some even after a few days and they are reminders of what I have done. Feeling in touch with the pain hours or days after the process serves as a perpetual reminder that I have paid my dues, whatever they may be. The cutting process lasts anywhere from minutes to whole evenings. Many times, I cut some, feel better for awhile, and then repeat the incident several times. I am usually VERY upset during the process and venting of my emotions accompanies the cutting."

"1. I feel like a pressure cooker that's going to explode. Cutting and bleeding sufficiently is like letting out the steam. If I do this to my satisfaction, I feel immediate relief, as if injected with valium or something. It helps stop the inner turmoil for a while. 2. To feel real when I feel numb. 3. It becomes an addiction."

"Because I feel so much internal pain that I need a way to release it all. So by cutting myself, it acts as an outlet for that internal pain, like it's all running out of me, like water out of a tap."

"Because it helps me to stop all the turmoil inside my head. I also think that I deserve to hurt because I'm such a horrible person. I don't know why I feel like this, but I do."

"I am full of anger and hurt. I feel like nobody cares. I do it because it is easier for me to hurt myself and deal with my pain then it is to tell someone and hurt their feelings. I would rather be the one hurting. I never want to make someone feel the way people make me feel, so I don't say anything. I keep everything to myself and then it builds up. I explode and then start cutting."

"I love to watch myself bleed, and it relieves stress... it makes me happy."

"I self-injure because it grounds me and it makes me feel whole. When I injure myself I feel a sense of relief and calmness. Sometimes I do it to punish myself."

"I usually cut myself when I am upset or frustrated. It used to take a lot to get me to cut myself, but now whenever I even get a little upset, I find myself cutting."

"It seems to be the only immediate response when I am feeling depressed. Before I feel like the loss of control. After I feel relieved somewhat."

"Reasons differ, but usually it's to deal with emotional pain. I also do it because it makes me forget about everything else. Before I feel lost, depressed, and over-whelmed. During I forget about everything and concentrate on the task at hand. Afterwards I feel like a total failure, a freak, an outcast."

"To punish myself for being a bad person. To feel the pain that is inside physically. To see my pain and show to myself it is real. To injure myself and cause myself harm. To show to myself that no one else can hurt me more than I can myself. I never had anything that terrible happen to me and my childhood problems are minor so don't understand why I feel I have to self-harm. Never been explained by a psychiatrist. Never had a diagnosis. Told I'm not mentally ill and that is all."

"Before, it feels like there is this great big something welling up inside of me; you know that adrenaline rush feeling that you get in the core of your chest sometimes? and you know how you are almost choking and gagging on something deep inside of your throat when you know it is time to cry and you can't? and how you get all jittery with too much caffeine in you and you try to sit still and your muscles quiver and your hands shake? Well, [before cutting I feel] kind of like a combination of those with some other weird and undescribable element lurking in the background somewhere.
During, I don't feel anything. I look and it begins to come out of me and I let it; I make it.
After, I'm most always mad at myself, and really self-conscious. But immediately after I feel relieved of that really restless, desperately restless, feeling."

"For me cutting is a coping mechanism. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that gets me by when things get too heavy to deal with. It's a very stressful experience at the time but it does help me get back in control of myself albeit with having the embarrassment factor the next day."

"It is very hard to describe. I liken it to a heroin addict in desperate need of a hit. Nothing else matters. Tunnel-vision sets in. Your heart-rate is bounding, I get the shakes, I cannot focus on anything until I have a razor in my hand and have marked the first cut. The pain causes me to flinch and gasp, but the more I do it, the calmer I become."




1. Do you deliberately cause physical harm to yourself to the extent of causing tissue damage (breaking the skin, bruising, leaving marks that last for more than an hour)?
2. Do you cause this harm to yourself as a way of dealing with unpleasant or overwhelming emotions, thoughts, or situations (including dissociation)?
3. If your self-harm is not compulsive, do you often think about SI even when you're relatively calm and not doing it at the moment?

I answered 'yes' to all three...

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